Category About Me

How To Love Asian Eyes

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Don’t let ANYONE ever make you feel ashamed of your beautiful eyes.

Embrace your Asian eyes – as slanted, chinky, slit-like, almond-shaped, exotic, beautiful – as they are. Especially when you smile.

Story of my life. If we had the internet growing up, I probably would have googled ‘How to round slanted eyes’.

Yes, it was because of ugly remarks from the ignorant white kid at school who called me a ‘chink’ and didn’t let me off the monkey bars. The boy in class who thought he ruled.

That’s when I became so conscious about my eyes. And that it may not be appealing to others. The day I didn’t want the world to look at me.

The day I didn’t want to be seen.

I’ve experienced racism at a young age until now. It didn’t stop at that boy. What about the group of teenage boys in University, yelling from across the street, asking if my clothes were clean from the laundromat – to go back where I came from – ‘chink’.

All the different layers of how it impacts my life – as a child, as a student, as a professional, as a mom, as a wife, as a person.

Too many stories to count. Too much anger to rant.

Honestly, I haven’t quite fought against it either because we were taught to use our Canadian birthright and education to fit in – like it’s supposed to save us from ignorance.

Every minority in the world experiences racism. There are even minorities within minorities. The cycle is vicious.

Why Does it Matter Now?

This moment serves as my right, as someone who has experienced being called a ‘chink’, to expose those for the wrong energy they breed.

Inspired by the #StopAsianHate on social media, in solidarity with Black Lives Matter, I’m speaking out now to break the patterns.

I’ve been a target of discrimination because of my eyes. I’m Filipina Canadian with very slanted eyes and very fair skin. I can pass for every Asian because I look Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Vietnamese, or Tibetan, so I’m told.

I’m the nicest person in the world but if you want to call at me with your racist slurs then bring it!

My slanted eyes will cut you so deep you’ll understand the mysteriousness hiding behind them.

It doesn’t matter what background you are, you shouldn’t be discriminated against!

It matters because my children’s views of an innocent world are being tainted with the dark layers of the world with events in the news, in schools, within our city, and abroad.

They never knew what the word ‘racist’ meant until a year ago, even in our bi-racial family.

My son asked me if ‘racist’ was a bad word when he heard a video gamer say it online. I responded that it wasn’t a swear word but as soon as it came out of my mouth, I quickly changed it.

Yes, it is a bad word for a bad person. He had never heard of the word, so I explained to him.

It’s when a person doesn’t like someone because of the colour of their skin and their cultural background. He didn’t understand.

I began to role-play: “I don’t like you because you’re Filipino or Jamaican”.

He gave me this flabbergasted look as he scrunched his face in disbelief.

I just tainted his view of the world.

It matters for them. And how they have to learn to armour themselves with thick skin to deal with bullying, racism, and discrimination – which I thought was not so prevalent for their generation. How NAIVE of me!

I Am Not COVID-19

Last year when the virus was getting out of hand in China, the impact was in the news. I didn’t even consider how it would impact me from across the world.

I was in the local bookstore where I was browsing for a long time. Back and forth with a lot of items in my arms, sweating buckets in a winter jacket, standing by the art section.

The sales lady glanced at me a few times. I didn’t think anything of it.

I usually don’t like when salespeople bombard so it was fine that she didn’t offer any kind of help…but no greeting…no smile?

Until an older man walked up the steps towards us, not even two feet, and the lady immediately smiled, approached the man, and said, “Is there anything I can help you with today?”

Guess what hall pass he had?

My blood boiled until my eyes sank right into the depths of my soul. I took all of my things and headed towards the front cash at the other end of the store. When I passed her, she asked, “Find everything you were looking for?”

F@(King Biyatch…. “Yup”. I forced myself to mutter as I stormed off.

I should have told her SOMETHING. I should have done SOMETHING!

The same baggage followed me a few weeks later when we travelled to Cuba for a wedding. I was targeted at the Cuban airport by the staff and at the resort by some French-Canadian tourists.

My 10 year-old daughter witnessed this behaviour and instinctively knew what was going on. Tainted.

It was all in their eyes and their ignorant behaviour acting like I was Covid – all week long. Meanwhile, my husband who’s usually the target for being black, was fitting right in with the Cubans, oblivious to what was happening to me. Rightfully celebrating not having to worry about the colour of his skin while on vacation.

I am not a virus. Hate is the virus.

It’s the 21st Century

I shouldn’t have to be in this position in this century. I shouldn’t have to taint my children’s vision of an innocent world where I have to explain why I’m targeted at the bookstore, airport, or on vacation because of how I look.

I shouldn’t have to explain that there are some people out there who hate on people’s ethnicity.

I shouldn’t have to keep upping my family’s pride for being Filipino-Jamaican-Canadian just because other people decide to degrade out of hate.

We are proud of who we are with our ethnicity, our families, our children. We have culture. We have stories. Nothing to hate here.

It’s time to eliminate the hate. It’s harmful, it’s toxic, it’s FUCKING ridiculous.

I’M TIRED OF BEING ANGRY, I’M TIRED OF THE FUCKING IGNORANCE.

I TRIED TO WAIT UNTIL I WAS IN A BETTER PLACE TO WRITE WITHOUT THE ANGER ABOUT THIS SUBJECT.

EVERY NIGHT IN MY HOUSEHOLD, WE’RE ANGRY AFTER WATCHING THE NEWS, ANGRY IN HEATED DISCUSSION.

ANGRY WAKING UP TO MORE NEWS. ANGRY THAT WE CAN’T CONTROL OTHER PEOPLE’S IGNORANT ACTIONS.

ANGRY THAT THE WORLD IS ALLOWED TO BE THIS WAY!

What now?

Keep your hate to yourself. Don’t let it spill over to someone who has nothing to do with you. Fix that shit or Karma will come for you.

It’s time to Let Love Rule, like you hear in the songs. Listen to songs, listen to people, read books even if you don’t quite understand them. Let it move you. Shift your focus on worthwhile things (Thought Catalogue).

Learn to understand someone other than yourself. It’s in everyone, even if you have to dig deep to find it. This is where the power is. Change is for the better.

I believe it’s in there. There’s nothing to be afraid of… unless you cross a mother.

Make the wise choice.

Re-Discover: Volume 1

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I wrote this to myself after I jumped ship, shortly after 9/11, from a corporate software company where I wrote software manuals. I found another position to maintain graphical user interfaces and write engineering processes.

No, this wasn’t doing it for me either.

It was the third page of my new journal that I committed to writing to figure out answers for my next steps to finding a balanced work life – meaning a work life where I was not always so bitter!

I didn’t want to have that constant cringing feeling every day going in to work. I only lived for the weekends. Was there something more out there?

I recently gave it a title in the summer of 2020, when I re-searched myself to start cataloguing content. After a deep conversation last night, this one’s for you:

Re-Discover

I feel good when I accomplish

No stress, no frustration

That’s where I’m my best

When I’m equally balanced

And things are handled

Not left to be abandoned

Deal with things as they come

Work until the deal is done

Clear the aura without the huff and puff

You gotta take the shit when it gets rough

But when it’s over, it’s smooth sailing from there

There’s a clear sense of aura in the air

There’s a way to accomplish peace in your life

Try not to be bitter and do what’s right

Only you can justify your actions

Don’t blame the world

For ignorant reactions

It all starts with you

And how strong you are

If you believe in yourself

You will get far

Reach for the top

See how far you can soar

See what you can accomplish

Then you’ll be bitter no more.

Bursting My Bubbles

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Just went through a whirlwind of emotions. It all came fast and hard, barely giving me time to process……

Sunday – Worked all day on a story that I’ve been wanting to write for a long time. Wrote, edited, edited, edited, edited, edited – cooked nuggets – fed kids – one load of laundry (max. for today because I’m writing) – graphics – one last look……

Sunday Night – Done, it’s good, I like it! Publish….done! Now connect with social media – create – copy – paste – post……

………………to the wrong friggin’ account !!!!! It was supposed to go only to my writer’s network!!! For FK sake!

First Burst!

Can’t turn back now. It’s done.

– Eeebie Jeebies –

Get out of comfort zone even if it feels gross.

Monday – Feel sick but determined to keep going despite the grossness in my stomach, like it’s floating and doesn’t know where to land.

Connect with my cousin who instantly makes me feel at ease. Warming up with fuzzy wuzzies. I love my family. Women uplifting women! And all the hilarious stories we have! Writing prompts out the wazoo. Stay tuned, more to come!

Monday Afternoon – Work stuff follow-up. Families need in-person service because virtual care is not feasible at this time.

Let me process…………………………………………………………….

OK, I’m in. Back to work out in the community in someone else’s bubble in their home.

Am I ready?

Flashback: Sitting in my car, parked in a parking lot across my work. It was the morning of September 11, 2001. I heard the breaking news on the radio and had to stop in disbelief. The day that triggered my first paradigm shift when I asked myself, “If the world were to deconstruct, how would I contribute to help rebuild?”

The beginning of a journey to search for a vocation that wasn’t just do-able but really satisfying at the end of the day. The time when I quit my job as a Technical Writer to pursue a more fulfilling career learning about people – children in particular – and their brain development in regard to speech and language, so that I could write for them.

Second Burst!

Mission statement reinstated. Even if I’m a germaphobe and super paranoid about this virus, families still need support, especially in a pandemic. To go on a mission means that I have to burst my quarantine bubble – the safest place in this new world.

I have to shift my mentality to get prepped to go out in the community. Serving those who need speech-language therapy, specifically those who need devices to communicate.

There are children and youth out there who need a means to communicate so that their families can know what they’re thinking, beyond their interpreted body language, actions, sounds, and words. My mission statement has been the same, in between child-rearing and life, over the years.

Scared as hell but committed to doing my part. After processing and feeling the waves of emotions. Feeling hot and sick, to calm and at ease, from scared and resistant, to realizing and moving forward. This is what I signed up for when I sat in my car wondering, “What’s next?”

Third Burst!

Paradise delivered in the mail. A surprise box of goodies from my sister-in-law to show appreciation for being a great mom and online teacher of the year, with a message so sweet, it melts my heart and moisturizes my eyes! Divine timing not even in disguise! But what did I do to even deserve this?!?

Btch, you better BURST THAT BUBBLE RIGHT ABOUT NOW!!!

YES!!!!!! I gladly accept to eat the dark chocolate while soaking in the tub, smelling like lavender while reading Drew Barrymore’s book, with a jasmine candle burning in the background, beside the rest of the goodies I see waiting for me to beautify.

Exactly what I need to calm my crashing waves to prepare me for this next shift about to occur. Energized with gratitude and fuel to move on.

Give Me Paradise.

You to Me, Me to You

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This is a tribute to you for giving me a dose of inspiration.

Thanks for your gifts of beautiful blank journals to encourage me to keep writing. I’m telling the story of how your gifts helped me to harness mine:

It was Christmas 2017. We were working at our old building site of the children’s treatment centre. It was our last year there because we were moving into a new state of the art building within a few months. As ghetto as the building was, our team made it the best of times.

It was our first Secret Santa since I’ve ever worked there. We were all getting emotional because it was our last Christmas as a small group before amalgamating into an even more corporate structure.

We wanted to make this one different.

My gift was already on my desk waiting for me when I got there in the morning. I took out the pretty, off-white journal from the bag. It had a pretty image of a bare tree that had hints of snow on the edges of some of the lower branches.

I’ve never had a journal with regular sized pages. So much space to work with. Oooh so pretty. It goes well with the coffee card and scented candle. So me.

I knew it was you as soon as I entered the second-floor office. When you saw me and looked away but you were smiling with your eyes.

Endless Creation

The feeling of endless creation of whatever I want, whenever I want, is what I feel every time I see journals, pads of paper, pens, markers, post-its, white-boards, and so on.

It’s exciting to open the book to a blank page! Every day. I write the date and go! Cluster, list, paragraph, prose…whatever goes.

It’s exercise for the mind and soul.

Which is what I hope to provide to others when I pay forward the gift of journals.

A blank canvas of space waiting to be used in any way purposeful. All together with a few good pens (YES, it matters)! Powerful ways to effortlessly use your mind to coordinate whatever moves you.

That same week, I got another surprise. When I saw you standing there, I was confused, “For me?”, I thought when you handed me a gift of appreciation with a message in a card that read, “Thank you so much for going above and beyond. You were a life line for me when I felt like I was drowning. Your support and efforts in his success is truly appreciated. Happy Holidays”.

That message kept finding it’s way into my hands every time I opened my journal (where I kept the envelope). It confirmed for me every time that I was still on the right path as a Communicative Disorders Assistant or Speech-Language Assistant but now realizing a little bit more. It inspires me to document the formula of my approach and share the handouts of information.

Years later, we reunite to where I can do therapy up close and personal (before Covid). You gifted me a beautiful black journal with an image of a mom and baby elephant with cool trunk designs. Who doesn’t love elephants?!?

This one was there for me during the beginning of the pandemic and throughout. It holds research, quarantine recipes, reminders to self, homeschool scribbles, numerology, prose, doodles, ripped pages, content brainstorm, emotions, mantras/affirmations, lists, things I did and how I felt.

Empowerment

Empowerment is what I love to teach because when we teach families how to interpret their child’s interactions with one another, the ultimate goal – no matter what – is to get the best back and forth with everyone happy. Finding ways to advocate that is part of the journey. These are all the teaching moments.

I continue to write in my Book of Inspiration where I’ve committed to a writing routine that keeps me going. Hyping myself to share because it IS about the back and forth that makes connections so real and encouraging.

No matter what the connection is, appreciate the value. It’s special when explored.

Exploring feeds curiosity, expanding our minds when ready to transform. When we help transform each other, we serve so much more! Dump your heart and soul into it. Journals shouldn’t be left ignored!

Be open to the tools of wisdom to keep heightening, expanding, growing, wondering, imagining, creating, and inspiring!

From you to me, now from me to you, with lots of gratitude. Inspired by all writers who need readers, and by readers who need writers. This is a good cycle to be in.

Turn Self-Talk into Self-Magic

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What I share with you are notes to myself.

Messages of mantras and affirmations to filter out the negations and pressures from the inside and outside of yourself.

Balance that shit out.

And continue to create, create, create.

It started with a little black book, and then another. Progressed to different sizes and styles.

Inside with messages with so many themes in so many different layers:

  • Paradigm shifts within myself and the ripple effect.
  • Following dreams and passions –
    • If you want to do something, think of it, and do it.
    • Vocation and career goals
  • Following intuition
    • Intuitive empath
    • Claircognizant (clear-knowing) and clairsentient (clear-feeling)
    • Angel numbers
  • Family life
    • Marriage
    • 3 kids (elementary school-aged)
  • Creative flow –
    • Morning writing ritual
      • Coffee with flavoured cream
      • Mantras and affirmations
      • Breathing (when I remember – work in progress)
      • Daily dump as in writing dump
        • Dump onto paper or keyboard
        • Raw concepts that keep brewing
        • Filter to edit and share
      • Interpret my dreams
      • 7-minute writing prompt
      • 20-minute writing prompt
      • Post if satisfied
    • Feel and write, write and feel
      • Daily reflection
      • Revelations
      • Affirmations
      • Prose
  • Knowledge
    • Speech and Language Communication
    • Books and culture
  • Self Development
    • Self-Talk
    • Self-Empowerment
    • Steps to transform and grow
  • Manifest – Think it
  • Create – Do it
  • Flow – Be it

…………….MAGIC…………….

Use your self-talk to stride one step at a time.

It’s a powerful phenomenon when you decide to tap in.

Open a page in your book and make your creation!

Restless Again

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What happened?

I took a break from writing on my mommy blog because I didn’t like the feeling once I shared it to a network of people – specifically people I knew. It was the total opposite of what I was expecting. It was uncomfortable, therefore I stayed introverted in the writing world, like a hermit watching its surroundings while crawled in a hole to stay safe.

But the need to write never left me. I wrote behind the scenes where I felt safe and let it flow with daily prompted challenges. Then I took a break again to focus on my private speech-language clients for work as the flow was coming in.

So now I’m restless again. I need to let it out and let the writing flow but get stuck with the same questions and self-doubt – what should I write about? What should I share that people will want to read? What’s relevant that someone would want to read about it? But yet in my daily routine, my mind is constantly spinning about ideas that just come into play – then I say in the back of my mind that, “I should write about this.”

Then there it goes into my journal or notebook of some kind. Where the idea transfers onto paper, then I feel good and aligned that I got it out of my system. Most times things fruition from the questions that I write or the list that I want to accomplish. Other times ideas just sit there. Sitting on the paper, sitting in my journal, sitting on my mind…sitting on my shoulders.

What now?

Then I get restless again knowing that I was born to love written language. Born to share what I’ve learned in the field, in my personal experiences, and in my spiritual journey that all make an impact in my day to day life.

I should feel lucky to have this experience. To be able to freely share information on a platform that is readily accessible to these generations. Better yet, I should move forward with actions to use this platform as a means to connect with people. This was my intent when I thought I finally thought of a purposeful way to share my writing – to interact – to get back and forth about subjects that are relevant in my life from lessons learned. My work is a huge part of me because I journeyed a while ago to figure out a purposeful career – a vocation that truly suited me. I enjoy being a Communicative Disorders Assistant by trade, a.k.a Speech Language Assistant. I love everything and anything speech-language and communication related. There’s always some kind of formula spiraling around in my head.

Restless again that I have so much to share but keep it all inside except when I work, I usually share anything that I’m intuitive about in the moment unless the moment is not quite right. I’m good at interpreting kids and their communication style and then sharing the steps with their parents on how to continue the back and forth with both their styles with the target they are learning.

Speech-Language Communication Handouts

I write a lot of handouts for information that I say repeatedly. The handouts are made to be simple and do-able for child-parent interaction and communication.

I use a Total Communication Approach where all modes of communication (gesture, signs, visual, verbal) are accepted although our role is to provide models of the next steps of what their child is capable of learning but providing enough opportunities to teach by modelling within an interaction.

Interaction is key! Developing a back and forth is key to taking a moment to connect with your child and have a back and forth with whatever concept you want to share in the moment.  Customizing, adapting, and patience is also part of the formula because everyone is different. Everyone has different interests and skills. It’s our role to accept the level where the child and parent may be and provide the teaching of the next step in models, without pressure, to perform but to connect and interact. That is key! This is where the learning happens!

Up Close and Personal

This is where I feel restless again because the information that is readily in my head can and should be shared to those that may need it. This is where I can start again. Yes, I’m a mom with experiences with 3 young kids – who should have a medal for being number #1 negotiator – but a Dr Jekyll Mommy Hide kind of mom, where work mom and home mom are polar opposites. One with clinical knowledge about speech and language that can help families learn about communication with children with special needs like autism, developmental delays, down syndrome, cerebral palsy, cortical vision, and global developmental delays. And the other who has zero patience left for her wolfpack!

This is who I am. This is what I’m about. This is what I have to share as a priority on my list of writing to-do’s. I feel families appreciate when I come into their homes to adapt and customize communication with what works for them. I feel they appreciate and learn from what I have to teach and share. A lot of the times, my personal and overall interests become a part of the experience by sharing what I’ve learned and have accepted from my journeys.

Spiritual Development

It’s about being humanitarian in this world. Bottom line. Humanitarian means being compassionate about our human race. All in all, we’re all the same, just trying to make it in this big world. We all need to know that we’re not alone in any journey that we face. It takes a connection to make an impact on a person’s life – a connection to something – a connection to someone. We learn from each other and it’s a constant learning and experiencing each other that can shape our lives.

If I’m feeling restless again, then this is where I start. This is where I can take action to share what’s been brewing in my head forever and a day. This is where I hope we can connect and have a back and forth with whatever brews within. This is where the abstract concepts in my head can have a place to transpire and lead the way to my personal freedom, where I believe in myself and my abilities, where I live the life I want because it’s time to be true and live life according to my desires, beliefs, and choices. I am a writer by nature. This is who I am. I want to feel restless no more.

I Am A Writer

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I had a background in technical writing before I decided to jump ship almost 20 years ago when I felt that I had more to write about besides instruction manuals for machines or software (which is all great but I felt there was more!). My journey led me to become a Communicative Disorders Assistant a.k.a. -Speech-Language Assistant, so that I could learn what humans needed to communicate and write for them. I’ve learned that technical writing is intertwined with non-technical writing because it is all about the reader.

I write for myself everyday. It is a ritual, an honour, and a sacred process in which I can’t really go without. Creative processes flow within me and this is why I’m the writer for you. I can help you meet your goals and do what feels right for your readers! I would be honoured to write for you!

Creative Flow

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Let the process flow

Even when so resistant

Action is the physical shift

To get the process flowing

No matter how excruciating something feels.

Feel it.

To get out of resistance,

Knowing the action is clearing the way.

The way to less worried, less painful.

Less weight on my neck and shoulders.

More weight on my heart and soul,

Where things flow endlessly.

I affirmed to the moon – as bright and full,

Intentions so pure and believable!

Accepting the magic and signs that come,

Opening the realm of creativeness

Within the consciousness…

LET IT OUT!              LET IT OUT!            BE FREE AND FEARLESS!

@feelswrite.freelance